January
25, 2007
Slowing
Down the Emotion
When
the emotion starts increasing in your interactions, it's time
to slow the process down. One mom said, "I feel a lot of
intensity and tend to react without thinking. It's as if my
emotions have the ability to bypass my brain. It takes work to
understand what's actually going on. I'm learning to slow down
and think more about what I'm feeling. I'm making progress and
I'm gaining some insight into how I relate to my kids. They're
seeing some changes in me too. I'm becoming less afraid of
emotions and more eager to understand them and make the most
of them in our family."
By
stopping each time you get angry and evaluating the situation,
you can use anger to point out problems and then choose
another strategy for your response. Some people believe that
the only way to deal with anger is to drain it by venting. In
fact, common advice from some psychologists suggests that
anger must somehow be released. They say that you have the
right to yell, scream, kick, and throw a temper tantrum
because anger is an energy sweltering deep inside you and you
need a way to express it.
We
don't believe that repressing emotions is good, but that
doesn't mean that venting them is helpful either. When people
feel the freedom to vent anger, they often end up hurting
others and damaging relationships.
The
Bible takes a different approach. Proverbs 29:11 says, "A
fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps
himself under control." Control is better than venting.
Control allows us to use anger as a tool rather than a weapon.
When parents and children recognize the complexity of emotions
and how to wisely respond to them, they will feel anger less
intensely and less often.
If
you're struggling with anger in yourself or your children,
then every time you see the intensity rising, slow things
down, take a break, and resist the temptation to turn up the
heat. That's the first step toward managing conflict in a
healthy way.
This
parenting tip comes from our book, "Good
and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and
Your Kids."
